How to Remove Stains

No questions asked

Have you spilt blueberry juice on your antimacassar?  Honey on your briefcase?  De-icer on your cat?  Fear not – the solution to all your stain related woes lie herein.  If you can knock if over, spray it, or drip it from anything, onto anything, then it’s probably covered in here.  Let’s pick a couple of random examples:  what about melted rubber from a hot water bottle?  Easy, says page 51. Hold an absorbent pad below the mark and rub with liquid lighter fuel.  Launder as usual”.   How about a rain spot on a calf leather coat?  “Why, just wipe with a clean cloth and allow to dry naturally.”

It strikes me that one of the main audiences for this book must be serial killers, who very quickly turn to page 25 – the blood page.  Carpet?   “Flush out fresh stains with a squirt from a soda syphon”.  Here the book warns that “Professional cleaning may be necessary to remove dried stains”.  But you won’t want to do that in case they get suspicious, right? –  “Another nosebleed Mr Ripper?”  It also advises that blood stains on upholstery should be treated with an ammonia solution – although it doesn’t specify whether you can use the same ammonia solution which is currently dissolving your latest victim in the bath.  Other blood stains will require washing or dry cleaning – over and over and over again…

This book almost made me want to spray the contents of my kitchen and bathroom all over the flat just to test out all the various solutions.  I could have invited some friends round for a  ‘Stain Party’, where various stains are first created, and then – if there’s time – removed.  Almost, but not quite.  I decided to look up wee and poo instead…it seemed like the right thing to do.

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